“I Planted The Seeds”
Every time i get on this train heading back home, I always get this feeling of optimism. It's like I'm headed back with a clean, open slate as well as a different understanding of what it is that I have to do inorder to accomplish the goals that I have set for myself. I believe that this is a good feeling but it seems to be short lived because I fall back into the same traps after becoming re-associated with home.
My mindset is the problem
I remember when i had got my heartbroken a few years ago. I couldn't eat, sleep, or move. I was just unmotivated soaking in the “why is this happening to me?” Eventually I got to a point where I knew that this could not continue and something had to change. Previous to that thought, the words of the conversation she and I had replayed constantly in my mind which landed me in a cycle of not eating nor sleeping every time it popped up in my head. So once i had the thought of something has to change I remember telling myself “anytime those bad memories pop up in my head i will recognize it and immediately shift my attention to something positive” so overtime that is exactly what i did and I eventually got to the point where i was eating again sleeping good and finding new motivations for myself. All of that forward progress was accomplished due to me recognizing a poisonous seed growing in my mind and taking action in order to remove it. If I didn’t remove that seed it could have grown into a grand oak tree and i would have began to associate who i am with that situation which could have lead me down a path of being cold hearted, incapable of love, and believing that bad things are destined to happen to me. Now an argument could be made that all I was doing was suppressing my emotions or bottling them up so I don't have to face them which I wouldn't completely disagree with but I believe that the difference maker was setting my intentions while doing something like that. Since I went into it with the intention of growing then maybe that's why I ran into positive things but if I would have tried to change with negative intentions then maybe I would have turned out as I previously stated; basically an asshole.
The reason I brought this up is because I see the similarities between that situation and my current issues. If i keep allowing the seeds to grow in my mind such as “i'm not where i want to be” “why can't i get on track?” or “ why is success not coming my way” then i will continue to be stuck in the cycle of those thoughts and eventually build an identity based off of that negative thinking. But if I recognize when those thoughts arise and shift them to something that can positively push me forward -essentially not identifying with negative and begin to identify with positive-then I can break the cycle and grow. Now it is easier said than done because even when I had to do it in the past it was challenging. But! It's worth a shot because striving forward is always better than staying put.
